Being Beta hoarding my thoughts

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It's not like I'm doing better, maybe I just like to complain
There's more than enough money, but its spent on holidays
I'm tired of these put downs and I'm tired of the shame
I'd like to see some more yin but im seeing far more yang
I don't know what I want,
But I know we can do it better,
when you get what you want is it better?
or do you want more
Sometimes I've laughed at others and i've realised after that,
It's not even funny and it just felt like an attack,
I'd really like to think that there's a better (Beta) person inside, but all I can see out Is a chasm of hell and fights
I'll do this once more.

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