Vulgar girl!
We must think of a test
that looks fair,
sounds fair,
seems fair,
and isn't fair!
But exactly what?
Uh-- table manners?
(chuckle) No! That's not hard enough!
Sensitivity, sensitivity, I'm just loaded with that.
In this one word is the epitome of the aristocrat.
Sensitive soul and sensitive stomach, sensitive hands and feet,
this is the blessing, also the curse of being the true elite.
Common people don't know what
exquisite agony is
suffered by gentle people like me. Just
get your hands off me. Think up a tricky
test for that wretched moat-swimming princess.
Madam, may I suggest...
Maybe we ought to-- Don't take all night!
I'm not well; I need my rest!
Not that I ever sleep on that lumpy
mattress. Oh God, my back!
Sensitivity, bane of royalty,
that bed's a torture rack!
Oh, I hate to sound grumpy!
But, my nerves are so jumpy!
I am sure I could feel any lump
even if it were under the mattress and small as a pea!
That's the answer! Under the mattress!
We'll test her tonight.
One tiny pea beneath one thick, downy mattress,
oh God, you're bright!
Any genuine princess would feel it;
if she doesn't, she's through!
Get the tiniest pea and order one mattress.
No! Make it two!
Why not five?
Ten, I think, would be plenty.
Better still make it twenty.
And to play it safe in the event
even that's not enough to ensure that she sleeps,
we'll give her a soothing sedative, won't we?
You can whip up a drink.
Something stunning. Oh, but you're devilish.
I love the way you think!
She's insensitive, so insensitive.
She'll fall asleep, no doubt!
God, but you're clever. Brilliant! A genius!
You are divine! GET OUT!

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